Has anybody noticed a trend of fair weathered grandparents?
Answered 4 months ago
I'm finding our retired grandparents love to attend parties or big events in our children's lives but are never around for anything ordinary or day to day. All retired, all close by and we regularly go weeks without seeing any of them. Not one would ever babysit for us even once a year for our anniversary and at these events we are expected to get there drinks and do everything, no help at all. They are often having "there time" and rarely around unless it's an emergency. We ask them out but they don't come and I'm a sahm with 1 toddler and 1 at school so they can have access at any time. Recently I found out nana has been downloading my fb photos and talking to her friends about them showing them pictures all the time yet she was not at any of these events or seen the kids for weeks. Her friend thought she was until I corrected her! I now don't post and she's furious and demanding photos. She says as long as she sees them she is fine, but that's the point she's not seeing them she's just giving an impression to her friends she sees them. Weve stopped the kids birthday parties for the grandparents as its too stressful catering for everyone whilst looking after a 4 and 2yr old. I'm just wondering if others are in similar situations. Grandparents say when they are older they plan to want them at weekends etc as they'll be able to do stuff with them. Thing is my reaction is no way, you let me struggle in the newborn and toddler years whilst you had a great time and didn't offer an ounce of support, when they get easier and are in school I want to spend the weekend with them as timecwill be limited. It just feels very 1 sided and demanding. I'm not asking for child care but it would be lovely to actually see them on the ordinary days not just the big events.
Have an answer?
My partners parents don’t see our kids because they won’t put in any effort to be involved in their lives. It is sad really. Kids these days are growing up without having that close connection with their grandparents because of this ‘I’ve done my time so I don’t have to be involved in my grandkids lives’. Like yes they have done their time, but you know what your grandkids still exist and it would be nice if you showed them a little attention every now and then.
Your parents did their part. They brought you up. You sound terribly selfish and petty
I do get where you're coming from, though. I'd stop facilitating everything & go about your lives. Put the contact ball in their court. Don't play manipulation games, of course, but just stop twisting yourself into bits to get them interested. When they complain about photos, say it's a safety thing (posting photos of kids online can be unsafe) but they're welcome to come see the kids to take their own, you're flexible on time. At parties put an esky out with drinks & a table of snacks & don't serve anyone. Say 'there it is, I have two young kids, no time to serve everyone else!'
When they talk about spending time with the kids 'later', this is more common than GP's admit. My DP's like mine now they're old enough to engage with. Wasn't interested in them as babies & has never helped me, even when I was desperate. Interrupted their social calendar. So now, I return that favour. I'm not inclined to put myself out to help them. MIL admitted she prefers babies, not so interested now they're older (5 & 8!!). Although I wouldn't knock back help when they're older. We'd love an occasional weekend off. The only GP's that can help are now health wise unable to help. It's a huge blow. My parents haven't spent enough time with my kids so wouldn't stay there overnight so point that out.
Good luck, but ultimately a long winded way of saying live your own life, stop accomodating them & if they complain say 'you're welcome any time you like'.