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Would you be upset if your partner rarely ever wanted sex with you, yet would rather watch porn or live cams? It's ruining my confidence :(

I don't have an issue with him watching porn. But there very obviously is an issue when he would rather do that than be intimate with me :( we have sex once a month at most and it just feels like he does it as a chore. I have tried talking to him about this over the last few years and just get a brick wall put up between us, I know he loves and cares about me.. But I just feel like a friend/housemate. This is affecting my confidence immensely. Has anyone else gotten through this and managed to get intimacy back on track? I love him, but this is seriously hurting me :(

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Answers (15)

Look, if it had been a once in a while thing, or even a few weeks in a row thing, it wouldn't be a huge issue to me. My husband, a few months ago, was going soft halfway through sex. Then an hour or so later he would go and finish himself off in the bathroom. It was a real shit hit to my self esteem. But I didn't voice my concerns. I decided to let it lie for a while and see what happens. It ended up being the reason he had fobbed me off with (that he was just so full and bloated after dinner/lunch). After I started cooking him less, he's stayed hard again. I think though, had our problem escalated to the heights yours has (preferring porn to sex) that I would have contemplated leaving him. Even though I love and adore him, I refuse to be second fiddle to a hand. Like there's no way to compete with a hand. I can't suddenly grow extra pelvic floor muscles and flex them the same way a finger can. I think you need to consider a trial separation. You deserve to feel sexy and marvellous. And he needs to pull his hand off his dick, his head out of his own a*s, and grow up. He could at least open up to you about where his head is at. Doesn't he owe his SPOUSE (person he promised to love until death) that little courtesy

You cannot carry on like that. I agree with the suggestion about a trial separation, and quite frankly if it was me I would be looking for sex elsewhere.
If you have even a moderate sex drive it is very difficult to live without, and the lack of affection and intimacy is extremely destructive to your self esteem and wellbeing.
I have never found sex toys to be anywhere near a replacement for sex with a real man.
I know, I went through a sexless relationship for years, and I ended up comfort eating which caused weight gain and horrendous problems from that. He was an alcoholic, so another addiction (which is what porn has become for your husband).
Looking back I wish I had left as soon as the pattern emerged.
I will never ever let myself go through that again.

I feel this has little to do with you. I think he's addicted to porn as an outlet for pain he is in.. stress, unhappiness or just plain depression. Everyone's going this direction with food or porn or gambling or purchasing or greed. It's all a distraction

I think you both need some counselling. He is clearly addicted. If he won’t go, go without him. You will have somebody to talk to and be able work out what your next steps need to be.

I went through this exact same thing. My husband had/has a porn addiction. We got into a really bad place and it pretty much ended up tearing our life apart, so he finally conceded and went to a psychologist. We are better now but he can never watch porn ever again.
Your husband has a porn addiction and it is a real problem. It's not going to get better unless he gets help. If he's not going to get help then you need to leave. No one can imagine how much it can rip your self esteem and self worth apart until you've been through that.
Don't be willing to lose yourself. Give him an ultimatum.

I have been going through this foe the past ten years. And trust me it just gets worse and worse. Unless you are willing to live as a housemate/best bud with him with a total lack of affection and intimacy give home the ultimatum. He needs to go to counseling or make a conscious effort to improve your intimacy level or you leave. Seriously if you don't now you'll wind up trapped in a ghost of the relationship you once had.
Personally I feel like I would he grateful for once a month. My partner and I have been intimate once in this past year and I wouldn't know if it is even considered intimate because it never lasts more than a few minutes. The softness midway is also a symptom and will likely continue, making you feel like your not good or womanly enough because you can't help him achieve a full and long lasting erection.
My hubby refused counseling and refuses to use anything like Viagra or horny goat weed to help. Our last conversation was if we can't improve our intimacy and activity, I'm looking elsewhere....... We still haven't been intimate since. Just makes me wonder if I'm a live in maid without pay and weekends.

 Sorry for my spelling errors.
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Oh no that’s horrible 😒 I feel for you I really do. Rejection by someone we love so much can be the most painful. I hope you can get to the bottom of the true issue of why he isn’t having sex with you anymore... and move forward. Maybe toy need some counselling? Hopefully he’s open to it if he knows hw much you are hurting
All the best XX

I would feel so shitty also. What's his reasonings for not wanting sex with you?? I hope it gets better xx

WTF i thought this was a normal thing... I'm 23 now and my bf is 35 we've been dating 3.5 years and he's been doing this the entire time. Wow. I've wasted my life.

IM in a similar boat! My partner just never is in the right place to have sex. He’s either to tired or feels sick or some other bloody excuse. When I have bought it up he acts like it worries him too that he’s lost his sex drive but in my gut I feel like it’s a lie. He used to smoke so I thought that may have been the issue as my ex smoked dope and he was shit in bed going soft all the time or would want to go so long I would be in pain. I am a take my wits end because we are supposed to be ttc, but like when you don’t have sex in months it’s not gonna happen. I have no idea if my partner watches porn if he didn’t I would be on his phone. I’m ready to leave or ask for an open relationship because I have needs and I don’t feel satisfied with my hand. I want to feel sexy and be dominated but I get his week a*s bull excuses.

OP: When it first started he said he just didn't feel like it... I would always try and get rejected big time :( we would have fights about it with me ending in tears as he just wouldn't talk about it. Eventually he told me if I would just "back off" maybe he would want it. So for the last year I have left it alone- now it has just gotten worse :(
He hides the porn and won't admit to it at all when I have tried to have a non judgemental conversation about it in the past.
Honestly I now feel so unwanted and rejected that I just feel numb :(
I have a neurological disease that causes pretty severe pain and that is a struggle to handle everyday... But to be honest this rejection hurts me even more than that :(

 Hoestly if it’s at the point where he don’t even discuss it or talk to you about it I would immediately plan my departure. Why? Because it’s what’s best for YOU and your well being right now. Pls do this for yourself so you can heal and move on into the happy relationship that you deserve
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Most probably he's getting some sex from another woman.Otherwise no matter how tired a guy is,he will need sex at least twice a week ( if not every night).
He must please you as well as getting some pleasure himself too.How about you watching the porn together? Give that a try and try and do the same as whatever tou both are watching :)

 He won't even talk about sex/intimacy or even admit to watching porn. I've tried asking to watch it with him and he just got angry and walked away :( conversation closed & he just pretends it never happened..
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 "Most probably he's getting some sex from another woman"? Really? You sound like a goose. Clearly he's getting off with his hand. Watching porn doesn't mean cheating. And nobody NEEDS sex. Seriously, step out of the biblical ages and join us in 2018.
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OP AGAIN: I would like to show my partner the answers on here.
Maybe hearing how it makes other people feel in the same situation might help..?

 Personally I think just hold your horses and don't get impulsive. Just chew on it a while x
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It is easier to use porn. He doesn't have to worry that he hurts you. It would be hard for him to see you in pain with your disease during sex while he is having a good time. That would (or at should) make anyone feel like a dick. Don't pressure him for sex. Start by holding hands or a quick peck on the cheek. You don't need sex. You need the closeness.

Your confidence shouldnt be determined by a man... fix that issue yourself and you will be better off in life in general.

Women on here never seem happy. Honestly, men cannot seem to win! If they want too much its annoying, if theyre too pushy its abuse, if they dont want enough its they need help.
A grown man can look at as much porn as he wants. He can masturbate if he wants. He doesnt have to have sex with you if he doesnt want too...!

 You have a very immature way of looking at this - go and grow up a bit - develop some understanding of married life then come back re-read and comment you silly bugger
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 I am married. I have been with my husband for nearly 9 years. Previous to this, i have been with many other men. He doesnt want to have sex with her- so what??? He doesnt have too! If i didnt want to, i wouldnt. No one is going to force or guilt me into it.
I dont understand what is immature about this reply?
Reverse the roles for a minute and think about that. We wouldnt pressure OP to have sex with him... so why does he have to perform to her standards.

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 well according to your theory a grown man can drink as much as he likes too and you'd still be married to him. You don't seem to acknowledge the potential that he's addicted.. i would say that if a grown man is watching poem all the time and not touching his wife or responding to her arousal attempts without the ability to express why to her satisfactory, he's infact a stunted boy in this area for whatever reason. Marriage is about Two partners respecting themselves and each other not one
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