Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Do you care if your partner watches porn?

Report

Got an Answer?


Answers (24)

For me, yes porn is a no go. The reason for that is my own insecurities and so my husband has respected my wish to not look it up unless we are both to watch it.
Our sex life has improved.
Porn isn't real, but it desensitises people who watch it frequently. So im glad that there are women who's husbands can watch porn and still be intimate with their wives but their are some men out there who lose that connection and ability because of porn and like one poster said it does ruin marriages so in my belief you do need to speak about it.

 hate break it to you but he still watches porn behind your back, you can keep telling yourself he doesn't but i promise you he does
helpful (2) 
 You know what. I didn't ask for your opinion. I didn't ask for anyone to comment. I was offering up my own experience. Your comment is unhelpful and unnecessary and one more thing not all men go behind their wives or break promises. So I'm sorry if your husband or partner does that to you which has led you to have such little faith in people. Good luck with your life because there is no need to comment on mine.
helpful (4) 
 He most definitely watches porn behind your back and because your forbid it, probably finds it all the more exciting.
helpful (1) 
 How would you know he is watching it behind her back?
helpful (3) 
 Your response is how I know.
helpful (0) 

My husband and I faced an issue with porn about five years ago. During my pregnancy with our daughter I wanted to continue to have sex my husband, however he didn't, which was upsetting to me. He said he just didn't feel like sex at all and that his libido had just disappeared. Following this, I discovered he had been secretly downloading porn to take with him on an upcoming business trip and when I asked him about it he lied initially until he admitted to it.

There were multiple issues at play here - my lack of body self esteem due to being pregnant, his claimed lack of sex drive and then the downloading and lying about the porn. It was the hiding and lying about it that devastated me the most as I thought we were completely open with each other and had an awesome relationship otherwise. I felt undesirable.

We had lots of talks and I learnt a lot from the experience. Some men don't see porn on the same level as they see intimacy in their relationship. (I am saying "some" instead of "all" because I am posting on an internet forum and am well aware of the fallout of making generalised statements!) :-)

For my husband at least, it is about a "release", and not about his lack of love or desire for me. He wasn't into sex with me while I was pregnant - some guys just aren't into sex with pregnant partners - and while it sucked for me, that was all that it was. He still loved me and was crazy about me.

Long story short (or not-so-short), I came to understand that men don't think like we do ("der", I hear you say), and with porn it is no exception. However, there are also a million variations to how porn (or anything else) can become an unhealthy obsession and interfere with your relationship. It could be porn, drugs, a friendship with someone else, sports, anything.

What worked for my relationship was to compare how we both saw porn and what it meant to both of us (for me, my initial view of porn was that it was my husband finding his lust somewhere other than me, and for my husband it was purely to get a sexual release by watching bodies do sexy things). After we gained an understanding of how the other felt, we could move forward in making sure we acted in a way that respected the other persons feelings.

He understood that I was upset because I thought it meant his desire was aimed elsewhere, and I understood that that was not the case, so we could work to be more understanding of each other's viewpoints. I was obviously also upset about being lied to.

From there, I told my husband I was okay with him watching it as long as he was open and honest, and also if he was more sensitive to my state of feeling undesirable. That didn't mean he had to tell me every time he watched porn, I just didn't want the sneaking around or lying if I did ask. That also meant he made an effort to show me he still desired me, even if he wasn't keen to jump my bones while I was knocked up.

An interesting outcome of this is while he still watches porn when he goes on business trips, our openness and discussion about this stuff has brought us closer together. But this is just my personal experience, obviously everyone's relationships are different. I am just saying what has happened in my relationship. I found that talking to friends about their personal experiences with these situations helpful too. You can get some ideas on ways to approach these relationship issues and you might find you are not alone. :-)

 Thanks for sharing such a comprehensive experience. It's very insightful.
helpful (1) 

Yes, it has ruined our marriage

 How the f**k is that unhelpful??? It does ruin some relationships ! It becomes an addiction and sometimes normal sex becomes not enough.
Clicking unhelpful here is being a complete c**t to the poor woman whos husbands life obviously got consumed by porn!

helpful (2) 

yesss i hate porn. to each there own but it's not for us. you can say he watches it behind my back but i know for a fact that he doesn't we both have high sex drives so i think he's satisfied he doesn't need to watch it.

 Same here
helpful (0) 

Porn has become a huge issue in our relationship. I am 7 months preggers and have a high sex drive. Hubby was on medication for anxiety which killed his. He just couldn't cum during sex but had no problems when looking at porn. It killed my self esteem and he couldn't understand why, as I had never had a problem with porn before. He just cant see that I have a problem with the fact he has completely replaced me for these photo shopped fantasy women and that I feel cheated. He promised me he would stop watching it. He lasted 4 days. We are now seeing a marriage councillor and he has stopped his medication. He is still looking at porn but has learnt to clear his phone history more often. I still catch him out through the cookies left on the computer though :-(. I feel betrayed. Here's hoping we can get through this.

 I hope things work out for you.
helpful (1) 
 My husband does this. Twice a day morning and night and makes me feel awful :(

I hope for you as I hope for me it stops

helpful (0) 
 Have you looked at the threads about porn addiction?
helpful (1) 

Being male and did go down the path of looking at porn. Initially it was to see in disbelief what was available on the internet for my kids to access it became a distraction from what was going on in my own life i.e. job issues, teenagers, wife going through menopause and numerous other stresses in my life including the medication that I was on that had links to promiscuity. It really was just a distraction for the problems I was having and not necessarily sexual.
I am over it now, still do not mind looking at tasteful nudes but not sexual acts.

Nope I don't have an issue. I watch it too sometimes. And some times we will watch it together.

I do if he hides it from me or if he chooses it over me, but if I am unavailable and he feels the itch why not? I watch it too of he's not home and I'm in the mood. Sometimes we watch it together, or watch each other watch it :)

nope and i dont understand woman than jump up and down about it, as long as he still gives you lots of attention its fine or better still watch it together

Yes I care deeply. Especially after he was banging prostitutes for the first 3 years of our marriage Behind my back. Plus he gets blow jobs every day why has he got to be so thirsty

 And you’re still with him why?
Clearly doesn’t respect you.

helpful (1) 

I hate porn as it makes me feel uncomfortable watching it. I have no issues saying im a little prudish. My partner has a higher sex drive than me so I don't care if he watches it by himself as it takes the pressure off me at times. His porn watching has no way interfered with his attraction to me sexually.

Nope, I would rather he get his rocks off to some one on a screen he will never meet, then go out and cheat, or go to a strip club and actually speak to.

No not at all men are visual and like to watch. Back when I had low self esteem after having a few babies it would bother me and also our sex life wasn't great. But to get over it I went to a sex shop and we picked one together. It put back a spark in our relationship. I can completely understand why some woman are against it and if he is watching porn but not being sexual with you then I would be upset.

I watch porn, he watches porn, sometimes we watch it together. It has in no way affected our sex life because we do it pretty much whenever we have the chance. We both have high sex drives.

I used to care when my ex husband did , I felt really uncomfortable and disgusted. But no problems with my current boyfriend watching it, or watching it with him