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Foster kids and bio kidS

We have had a foster child living with us in long term placement for several years. When my own kids were younger (they are about 3 years older than foster child) they all liked each other most of the time and got on well. My oldest is 15 now and has now hated the foster child so much about 12 months that they state it is ruining their childhood,making them unhappy and they don't want to live at home anymore if "that child" has to live here. I'm very attached to foster child and don't want to cause then abandonment by getting "rid" of them, but I don't want to make my own child feel like I don't care about their life and make our relationship tense because of Foster child. I don't know what to do anymore at all and it's making me so unhappy as well knowing I'm "ruining" my child's life, but then I would feel guilty having a child consider me "mum" for so long and saying well too bad you weren't important enough to me to work something out. I need advice


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Answers (7)

I wanted to get rid of my bio sister around that age! Teens living under the same roof have their issues bio /step/foster.

Could you imagine this 12 year old being put with a new family!!! Vulnerable age! 12 year olds are taking drugs these days, f**k knows where they will end up. Plus it’s much harder to find a family to place a 12 year old with, most families would assume there’s issues with the child that the department is not telling them about. 12 year old often spend time in group homes!

If you wouldn’t consider getting rid of a bio child I don’t understand how you could consider this given your 12 year old has lived with you so long.

I took on care of a 14 year old foster child. I can tell you now if he had stability though out his child hood (like your 12 year old has) he would have led a different life. He had already been incarcerated several times before I met him.

I know you are thinking of your 15 year olds feelings, I however think that he needs to buckle up and learn that the 12 year old is part of the family.
Good luck 🥰🥰🥰

I would suggest counseling for your 15 yr old and possibly family therapy depending on what the counselor said. Please, please don’t give your foster child up, that little 12 yr old is reliant on you and you are providing vital love, support and security.

As a first step I would suggest talking to your 15 year old, asking them why they feel they way they do? Then also explain that your foster child is a member of the family too and that he/she has nowhere else to go.

I find it odd that everyone was getting along and now your 15 year old wants the younger one out. Has something serious happened between them? You need to find out. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I know everyone is extra stressed being at home in isolation too so yesterday I was just at breaking point with the older child's attitude, and the constant anger and screaming and yelling and swearing from them. I tried to suggest counseling for them they told me where to go, but I think I will try to get a referral for a family counseling/therapy type thing with the older child and myself at least. They can scream and swear all they like but at least the counselor might have suggestions for us all!

 Hang in there - it’ll get better xxx
helpful (1) 

Your child needs a wake up call. Seems like jealousy. Talk it out and explain how foster children are treated and how they feel and how your child is making said child feel even more unwanted and resented than already feeling

Just wanted to say thank you for being a foster carer, it is often a thankless job and one not talked about enough in the community. Also please know that your foster child is aware of all hostilities and other emotions in the house and if he or she is acting out atm please make some concessions for them. Your teen is completely entitled to their own emotions and needs to feel safe enough to express them. Maybe you could get out family photos and remind everyone of all the good times shared. I wish you luck

I can appreciate how hard this must be for you, Please talk to your support worker if you feel comfortable to do so.
At 15 their childhood is done so I cant see how the other child is ruining it, perhaps challenge that idea and have them reflect on how much fun they used to have together. Explain that as we get older younger kids can be annoying and in a few years they will get along well together again. Tell both children that they are family and none of them are going anywhere. That age is such a selfish age, your bio child will grow up and feel bad about what they've said, but to have a placement breakdown now would be detrimental to your fc child's life. Maybe some counselling for the 15yo?