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I believe my partners ex is trying to sabotage a relationship between their daughter and I.
Answered 4 years ago
It started really subtly but is slowly getting more noticeable. Their daughter is 9 and took a while to warm up to me understandably. But after a few months she was all good. She often asks when she's going to see me and my kids. She often talks about future plans without any prompting.
We do not live together and there's no plans to for another year or so. We've been together nearly 18 months and didn't meet eachothers kids for 5/6 months.
But over the last few months the she's been sullen when they first get to mine but them warms up. I've started to occasionally attend her after school sport as she asked me personally but when the mum is there she walks straight past ignoring me and only saying hi to dad, going straight to mum. She's started complaining about small things that happen at my house with my rules - nothing big just small.
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ANSWER
4 years ago
I had this with my partners 10 year old as soon as we started talking about moving in together,
You can blame the child as she will no doubt always be worried about upsetting her mum.
My step son often gives me big hugs hello when mums not there and just says hello when mum is there.
You can blame the child as she will no doubt always be worried about upsetting her mum.
My step son often gives me big hugs hello when mums not there and just says hello when mum is there.
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4 years ago
Sorry can’t blame the child
ANSWER
4 years ago
Hang in there.
I have the same issues with the ex as well. I have been with my partner for 3 years. I basically decided that i wouldn’t give that woman another moment of thought and that I would just love the kids the best I could as an extra adult in their life - not their parent, because obviously your not and with two surviving parents who are in the picture you are not meant to be that person.
Just focus on what you do when they are in your care. The behaviours are going to be there, they are the same here - takes a solid 24 hours before we see the anxiety and stress the ex causes to leave the kids here.
I have the same issues with the ex as well. I have been with my partner for 3 years. I basically decided that i wouldn’t give that woman another moment of thought and that I would just love the kids the best I could as an extra adult in their life - not their parent, because obviously your not and with two surviving parents who are in the picture you are not meant to be that person.
Just focus on what you do when they are in your care. The behaviours are going to be there, they are the same here - takes a solid 24 hours before we see the anxiety and stress the ex causes to leave the kids here.
ANSWER
4 years ago
What does your partner think? Really he is the one that needs to work to facilitate the relationship between SD and you. It sounds like you have done your best so don't beat yourself up about it. I have a 9yo girl and it is a tricky age, they are starting to lose interest in family a bit and friends are more important anyway.
ANSWER
4 years ago
Never date a man with baggage
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4 years ago
His daughter is not 'baggage'. Shes a person who my partner adores - as he should!
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4 years ago
That's really lovely. Ignore the jealous hag
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4 years ago
I can understand why someone would feel that way. My partner has kids, I'm happy to date but won't blend our families.
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4 years ago
New responder here. Can I ask why? No agenda I'm just curious 😊
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4 years ago
Assuming you mean me, I won't blend my family with my partners because my kids shouldn't have to deal with another family moving in.
ANSWER
4 years ago
I would talk to your partner about how its affecting you and how you obviously don't want it to affect their relationship. Which is so thoughtful of you. And shows how much you care about both of them. It is tough being in a relatiinship when either party or both has kids feom previous relationships. Parwntal alienation is real sadly the mom maybe jealous and I can understand that want for your child to not look at someone else as mum. Have you tried talking to the ex?
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4 years ago
Let her know you just want to be a friend that she is the mom and always will be? Maybe as simple as that reassurance...
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4 years ago
She won't have anything to do with me. I have offered to meet. And I have tried through my actions - or lack of to show her that I am not interested to trying to be their daughters mum.
I have tried talking to my partner and he's upset by the ex and her blame game.
I have tried talking to my partner and he's upset by the ex and her blame game.
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4 years ago
It's a shame because this affects several people yet only 1 of you is trying to fix it. There's only so much you can do babe ❤
ANSWER
4 years ago
It could be mum is using the poor child as a pawn, but it could also be that the child is feeling disloyal to her mum. I would take a step back, and take the relationship with the girl very slowly. Don't go to sport if mum is there, if mum is not coping with dad moving on the child will pick up on that. Even if mum isn't saying negative things about you, if she feels uncomfortable with you the child may feel negative towards you too. Just remember while you and your partner are happy and loved up, mum may be struggling and that will hurt the child. If you are in it for the long haul its in your best interest to have a good relationship with the child and the mother. Take it very slowly and let the child set the pace.
ANSWER
4 years ago
At first I thought it could be because she feels disloyal to her mum (I went through this as a child) but with messages sent from mum to my partner about certain things I'm beginning to feel that the ex is purposely showing seeds on the daughters head.
I'm wondering if I should step back or decrease from time with partner and daughter. I don't want to be the reason she starts to hate spending time with my partner.
In the messages from the ex she still blames my partner for breaking up the family and that its traumatized the daughter. There was no other party involved. He left because their marriage wouldn't improve after trying many things over a few years.
I'm honestly at a loss!
I'm wondering if I should step back or decrease from time with partner and daughter. I don't want to be the reason she starts to hate spending time with my partner.
In the messages from the ex she still blames my partner for breaking up the family and that its traumatized the daughter. There was no other party involved. He left because their marriage wouldn't improve after trying many things over a few years.
I'm honestly at a loss!
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4 years ago
Get out now. But kids from previous relationships is a dealbreaker for me 😞
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4 years ago
No way would I leave this amazing guy because of this. Yes, I would cut down contact with his daughter if it was better for her and him but I would hope to stay together.
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4 years ago
I feel so bad for the little girl if her mother is using her as a pawn
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4 years ago
Me too. It wont end well for the daughter if it is what is happening.
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4 years ago
This sucks for that little girl!
My ex cheated, they are still together and she wants to meet the kids and I do not have a problem with that. My only priority is that my kids are happy and they have a childhood where they don’t need therapy when they are adults.
My kids look to me as how they deal with the situation and I can see the relief on their faces when they see I don’t mind them building a relationship with their dad and his partner. I never want my kids to feel that they have to protect me from their feelings for their dad and in time their feelings for his partner. If she is good to them then there is no problem, because don’t you want your child to be happy when they are with the other parent??
My ex cheated, they are still together and she wants to meet the kids and I do not have a problem with that. My only priority is that my kids are happy and they have a childhood where they don’t need therapy when they are adults.
My kids look to me as how they deal with the situation and I can see the relief on their faces when they see I don’t mind them building a relationship with their dad and his partner. I never want my kids to feel that they have to protect me from their feelings for their dad and in time their feelings for his partner. If she is good to them then there is no problem, because don’t you want your child to be happy when they are with the other parent??
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4 years ago
You’re amazing,
REPLY
4 years ago
That's so great. Good on you!
ANSWER
4 years ago
Really hard one, the little girl must be struggling so much with it all. It sounds to me like it is a ‘staying loyal to mum thing’ I would just hang back a bit, maybe stop attending school stuff till youve moved in together. Maybe the mother is thinking you guys arnt serious enough yet for her to encourage a relationship?? Just a thought..