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Husband isn’t attracted to me anymore

Answered 2 years ago

Iv long known it but he just said it. It’s heartbreaking.
Iv put on 20kgs since kids. I was a size 6 I’m now about a 14.
I’m still pretty fit. I can swim 2000 non stop.
I cycle with 3 kids on the bike so pulling about 60kgs 20kms to the park (in flat ground) and 20km back.
I surf (but I don’t paddle much)

I know I look different.
I was pregnant and breast feeding consecutively for 7 years. My first baby was a nightmare sleeper. (Like never slept longer than an hour and used me as a dummy in between for 18 months)
I went back to work when all 3 of them were 4 weeks old and breast fed them all for 2 years each. Till the new pregnancy weaned them.

Iv bled all of me for my family. And as a result of some of my vices (wine on Friday and Saturday and chocolate.) the weight has just crept on.

He says we never have sex (true) and that he doesn’t even want it anymore and not attracted to me and he can’t help it.
I’m not even mad I understand it just so hurt.


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ANSWER
2 years ago
Metabolism slows after age 40, and suddenly food starts sticking to you, rather than falling off. When I was young, going up 2 flights of stairs, 3 times a day, for 2 days, was enough to drop a kilo. Once I hit 40, if I did the same 5 days a week, it made no difference.
Sometimes feeling like a slave to the family can trigger "comfort eating", trying to snatch comfort between competing and constant demands. The weight just creeps up and up.
Losing it will be every bit as much a mind issue as a physical challenge.

The following things worked for me:

Really concentrating on reducing portion sizes, not eating the kids leftovers, (if you do that, - it sure was deadly for me),
Cutting out the chocolate and wine, and cheese and biscuits snacks.

Setting small targets of weight loss, like a kilo at a time. That way you will feel succesfull at small wins, rather than setting high targets that you might not achieve, which will just make you depressed. This was perhaps the most critical for me.

Reducing the hours during the day that I ate - like having a very late breakfast, perhaps at 11, and then skipping lunch, but having a good evening meal, although still being careful about portion size, and not eating at all after dinner.

Making time for myself, sometimes just sitting in a park or on a beach to "veg out", and just enjoy the wonder of the natural world, and space for your own thoughts.
If your Mum has been gently nudging you to take care of yourself, she might be happy to take the children off your hands periodically to allow you "me time". Or your husband might.

Very focussed exercises to shape my body, that can all be done lying on your back, like pulling in my tummy and raising left leg and right arm, then right leg and left arm, so both vertical and horizontal and oblique muscles got worked. Great for my waistline, and it did not take long for the improvement to be visible.

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REPLY
2 years ago
Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply in detail.
Mum lives interstate though she would happily.
Cutting portion sizes I think I should definatly try and I definatly should try to set times of day to eat. Thanks for the tips.

I’ll give that excercise for a week.

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2 years ago
*this.

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2 years ago
Weight gain can often kill libido. It did with me, and once I started to lose weight my libido came right back.

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2 years ago
The comment on reducing the hours during the day that you eat: This approach was developed by a Brisbane surgeon, Dr Andrew Renaut, and he calls it 'Nysteia'. Its worth looking up on line. He has the whole philosophy behind it detailed, and what to do is very well described.
He developed that approach because he was a cancer surgeon, and saw in his practice the price people were paying for poor eating habits.
I am so impressed with your comitment to exercise, and that means you are so far ahead of many people. (Especially me !)
You don't have to stick to that eating pattern religiously, but even if you modify along those lines, it will probably significantly help your weight loss.
And its something you can do for your kids too; start to encourage them to eat better and exercise effectively.

ANSWER
2 years ago
How much does your husband weigh? That’s the exact amount of weight you need to shift.....out the front door and out of your life. He’s an arsehole. There’s nothing wrong with you. Keep being you.

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2 years ago
^^yes yes yes

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2 years ago
I understand your response I do.
He didn’t say he doesn’t love me anymore, just that he’s not attracted to me anymore.
Which I feel is fair. It hurts but you can’t help what your attracted to.

I really don’t look great. I know that. My mum even gently encourages me to get healthy again.

Even though I get it and he has every right to be attracted to what he’s attracted to.

I feel like this is the last slog at keeping us together. I don’t want to bust up the life we’ve built.
I would fair far far better in the split than him.

Truth is I’m lost in general. Iv never felt like this and for the first time just don’t feel like opening up to anyone close to me.

I feel like if I could get the weight off it’s a start. And at least I’ll know I tried everything to keep our family together.

He had to accept what he didn’t like about what I needed to feel like sex, I feel like the least I can do is attemp to address his desire.

REPLY
2 years ago
Another responder here. I just want to add , that though this sucks and though you are looking to your relationship and to him, all that you have wrote is about you losing you. You lost you when you prioritised your beautiful kids , which lets face it, are blood sucking little people who will take everything if they can. You need to set a boundary for yourself and for them and for your husband. You can’t do it all. It isn’t great to sacrifice yourself, and I say this having got to the same place as you. I dont know how much support you have, but at the end of the day please don’t overcommit yourself, your kids and let your husband get away with doing less.. dont train him to do less either by thinking you can do it better. These are things which sap at you and I think you already know this. It’s absolutely time to take back control and you are right that weight is very little to be with the equation. Your mood, your happiness and your company is what you need to regain.

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2 years ago
Agree demand some time for yourself to do some serious soul searching.

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2 years ago
Thankyou, to be fair it’s a fairly ok split.
We both work part time so he gets kids off to school he does do some inside work (but it could be better, then again I could do more too) he does all the outside work (acridge)
I do get a fair bit of time to myself particularly the last year.
I surf 2/3 times a week. (1/2 of those I get up early and go so he gets up to the kids and does breakfast and getting them ready and I’ll take them to school.)

I guess it hit such a nerve because I don’t like the weight either and haven’t been able to shift it. I probably haven’t gotten serious enough considering that I’m older now (36 and have been pregnant or breast feeding for so long ) and I should have been stricter with the diet as iv always just considered iv got a pretty decent diet.

But I bet if I wrote it all down it wouldn’t look as good as it looks in my head.


REPLY
2 years ago
Yes but honestly...is this all about weight? Isn’t that just your female mind?

ANSWER
2 years ago
Sz 14 isn’t really that large, not to sound negative but you are comparing your pre children girl self as a size 6 to your woman self. I think it is unrealistic, aim for size 10, that’s healthy and with the exercise you do changes to your eating habits will get you there without the tears. Changing eating habits is a life style change so by eliminating sugar, carbs and reducing portion size these things will accumulate over time to get you the results.

Also you need to do it for you not anybody else. If it is for you - you will be more motivated - love yourself you deserve it.

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2 years ago
I understand what your saying but it is for me. My body type is naturally a size 6 (when I was a loose 6 people were often even a little shocked I was SO small for size as I’m pretty athletic, I have very tiny hips. So my size 14 is bigger than others.
I got on the scale last night and it’s actually closer to 27kgs iv put on.
I feel like everyone saying it’s not that bad has caused a bit of complacency lol.

It’s very much not a healthy weight for me. I have no expectation to get back to my old self I would be happy to get down to 60/62 and a size 8/10. (Pre kids I was 52/54 )
I’m currently 79/80kgs

ANSWER
2 years ago
This year my youngest started kindy and iv get 2 hours a day after work to workout, I have been and I have drunk wine for weeks.
But my libido is non existent.
Has been since I was pregnant with my first.
I could never have sex again and be fine.

Maybe weight loss might help.

Has anyone lost weight that just wouldn’t shift?

I feel like this could literally break our family up.

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2 years ago
*havent drunk wine
And upped my excercise.
I started with a trainer a month ago.
I do laps 2/3 times a week now instead of surfing (which I love way more) because it’s a better work out.

I’m still pretty fit considering.
So why won’t the weight shift

REPLY
2 years ago
Diet is probably 80% compared to exercise at 20% for weight loss. So focus on healthy eating too. Not drinking alcohol is a great start. Keep a food diary- it will help you realise all those little snacks add up. You can still enjoy your favourite foods, but have smaller portion sizes. If you want some help, a dietician/nutritionist should be able to provide meal plans etc.

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2 years ago
You’ve been overwhelmed since having our first, why? That is what you need to find out,

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2 years ago
I can reallly see on reflection how much bad liquids iv been drinking had a chat to my PT today and he’s given me a good goal.
He’s trained me for over ten years when I was fit and fab lol started back with him a few weeks ago and that’s been feeling great.

Feeling positive today ✨

ANSWER
2 years ago
My wild guess is your eating may be an issue to why you're not dropping weight. You can't out exercise a bad diet. Like someone else has said keep a food diary. I use myfitnesspal and log all of my food every day.

Weight loss is an energy game. Calories In Vs Calories out. Don't get sucked into this crap about I have a slow metabolism crap either.

Work out work BMR (Basal metabolic Rate) and reduce calories about 350 a day from there.

Don't think of it as a diet but a lifestlye change.

Eat foods that are high in protein they will keep you fuller for longer and you'll feel like eating less. Eating lots of fruit and veg, lots of whole grain foods and just drink water.

Liquid calories are a killer. a 250ml glass of Juice might be 200+ calories for example. A glass of wine might be 200+ as well. They add up fast

work out what a portion of food is is by looking on the box and weigh food too. 46 grams of cereal doesn't look much for example but it's a portion. Measure out milk and log all of it. 4 squares of Cadbury chocolate is 100+ calories. They add up.

Keep eating ALL the foods you enjoy. Don't ban foods or food groups from your diet just eat the correct portion and in MODERATION. DONT fall for the cheat meal crap either.

I've lost 20kg in 6 months by just watching portion control and being mindful about what goes in my mouth. I don't exercise any where near as much as you.

You do need to do this for you NOT for anyone else. Get the husband on board if the diets are crud and get him to support you that way.

Good luck. He should love you for you and not your body shape. I loved my wife just the same before and after weight gain due to IVF. Us men can be real pricks sometimes

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REPLY
2 years ago
Wow Thankyou so much for your detailed reply.
Absolutely your comment about liquid calories is something in majorly guilty of.
My food intake is pretty ok, but my drink habits are terrible.

ANSWER
2 years ago
OP you sound so kind and caring but heartbroken. I don't know what you say but I really feel for you xx

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2 years ago
Thankyou I’m feeling much better today.
And motivated to really do it this time.

ANSWER
2 years ago
I understand what you're going through. My only advice is, if you want to lose the weight, do it for you!! Don't do it so your hubby will find you attractive. Do it to make yourself feel better. You need to feel sexy for you aswell. ♥️

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2 years ago
Iv tried for years for me.
As much as it hurt I feel like this might be the really big kick up my backside I needed.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Thanks everyone.
I had a pretty massive cry last night (I never really cry) I mean for a good 3 hours. My husband tried to come in and talk but I wasn’t ready, when we talked it out I think he actually didn’t realise how hard I had been trying for 4 years not just to lose weight but get my libido. And try to be in the mood for sex.
He said he was sorry.

I spoke to my PT today and he said I just need to cut out treats for a month or two to re balence my body.

I will definatly start keeping a good diary and see how I’m eating through the day.

I got bloods done at the doctor today.


Thank you all for the responses.

ANSWER
2 years ago
I’m in the same situation my husbands no longer sexually attracted to me (I blame porn). We are in a sexless marriage but that wasn’t my choice.
Years later I ended up in an affair. It’s not something I recommend but if your husband no longer attracted to you don’t waste years of your life wishing he was. My self esteem was destroyed but since it’s been regained I can stand up to my husband with other issues that arise.

ANSWER
2 years ago
I feel your pain
We thought being parents would be fun and easy and we would be a happy family
6 kids in 9 years has taken a toll on my body