Mirror mirror on the wall, why the hell do you have to be the bearer of such bad news??
Insisting on adding bumps and lumps that honestly just aren’t there?! Simply just isn’t fair at all, but if I just pull my forehead back a little, lift my eyelids up, suck my stomach in a little more, or lift my butt cheeks up – ahh that’s a little better. If I had the money I’m sure it would be tempting to get a little tweaking done with cosmetic surgery. It would be nice to have perk boobs again. Seriously I could wear these babies as a halter top and tie them up behind my neck or save on the cost of a bra and just tuck them into my pants. If you imagine a deflated balloon – that’s what I’m working with here. The struggle is real. Too much information? Nah I’m sure there are nodding heads out there who understand – you feel me.
Cosmetic surgery has come a long way from the stunned mullet look of years gone by. We’ve all seen them, the trout mouths, the emotionless faces that look like they would simply just tear with the slightest of pressure. It would seem though for some people, subtle most definitely isn’t going to cut it. They want the biggest bang for their bucks, to make sure they are noticed. Or other people, enhancing parts of the body most wouldn’t even consider how they would like to spend their cashola.
Enter the world of bizarre cosmetic surgeries.
Barbie and Ken
For many people, the option of cosmetic surgery is almost a compulsion. They HAVE to have it. There are those who even go under the knife multiple times in an effort to look like their favourite childhood toy. Yes, there are a few who liken themselves to the real life Barbie or Ken. The plastic ideal is what they wish to mimic in real life. Good on them – why wouldn’t you want to look like an emotionless toy…and to top it off – Valerian (the Barbie want to be) is a Breatharian – that’s right she looks forward to being able to not eat or drink and just survive on air. That is where we just nod and smile and slowly back away and head on to our next surgery WTF moment.
Tiger, Tiger Oops No That’s Person
Barbie and Ken were just an entrée to bizarre cosmetic surgeries. Let’s now take for example ohhh, lets see – a guy who’s greatest desire was to look like a tiger. Yes, a large cat – feline – not human tiger. Of course, you would right? Dennis Avner also known as ‘catman’ underwent a ridiculous amount of cosmetic surgery including subdermal implants to change the shape of his face, teeth were filed and shaped to look more feline and he also had transdermal implants to allow him to wear whiskers. Of course.
Now they are extreme cases of cosmetic surgery gone wayyyy off the normal track. Don’t feel like morphing into a doll or something else from the animal kingdom. How about something a little more subtle. Like Ball Ironing. Yes, you heard me correctly. The ironing of the balls. This bizarre procedure is sprouted as a way for dudes to look younger ‘down there’. Could you imagine it – a gent over 50 you know he is that old – you’ve seen him before. You’re getting all hot and sweaty, and he rips his jocks off! What is this??!! I’m confused – I thought you were more mature in age – but now I see your shiny taught balls – I don’t know what to think anymore!! Come on guys save your money – balls aren’t something we really judge you on when it comes to the looks department.
Thigh Gap Surgery
So you’ve saved your money and you or your fella has a saggy sack, but you’ve got all that money just waiting to be spent – try this for size. Thigh gap surgery. Yes – we’ve all seen the much ado over this friggin thigh gap epidemic. Yes I’m bitter over those svelte model like women who sport one – genetics are their friend. For those like myself who will never boast one, hell I’m even lucky if I can see a calf gap these days, there are options. A cold laser treatment zaps the shit out of the layer of fat between your thighs which then exits out of your lymphatic system. Woohoo so I’m still a size 18 but dayummm look at that thigh gap!! I’m irresistible!
Cinderella Surgery…It Isn’t What You Think
For us ladies – let’s be honest – prancing around all day in heels is HELL!! The pain can be incredible – ahh the price for fashion. Well grimace no more. Your day at the races doesn’t have to end with you stumbling out the front gates with your heels gracefully adorning your hands and your feet looking all primitive and naked. Introducing… Cinderella Surgery. This procedure involves having your foot pad plumped up with injectable such as botox or collagen. Sure this may actually damage your feet permanently but meh – as long as you’re looking on point the risk is worth it right?!
A Few More Ideas For You
Another couple of ways to spend alllll that extra money you have laying around is:
- Have a knee lift. Keep those knees looking all perky this summer!
- Pointed ears – Elf surgery. Yep – you guessed it. You can also get your ears sliced and diced so that you too can look like Dr Spock 24/7. Taking that Cosplay idea to the extremes.
- Tongue splitting – for when a normal tongue is so passé – you too can now look like a snake!
- Anal Bleaching. A simple, quick treatment for the darker skin around the anus as patients say they want to ‘look cleaner’. Ah yep.
It seems I maybe just am not critical enough (gasp) of my body to have even thought of these procedures before.
I am speechless. I’m done – fin.
Feature Picture Photo Credit: www.amazingweirdbizarre.com