All the boobs in all the world come in many different types:
…baps, bazookas, bristols or jugs, whatever it is you call your dirty pillows, breasts have always been a source of fascination for both men and women alike.
Long before they are ever used for their biologically intended purposes, breasts are usually high on the list of assets in a woman’s perception of her body image, and often relate to how sexually desirable she may feel.
Given today’s extreme emphasis on physical appearances, many women are off for the hack and sack fill to pump up those puppies. The ability to change your boobs from what you were naturally dished out, to whatever you can dream up, leaves the flood gate wide open. It may be a case of being careful what you wish for…
There may well have been a time where I wished for larger, fuller funbags, especially after having recently issued a cease and desist order to my youngest child. I had had enough breastfeeding. While my mammaries have never been massive, I now have less than what I started with. Where once I may have had peaches, I now have pancakes. At least they don’t look down, if you know what I mean.
Image via Extremely Inappropriate Memes
1. The Uni-Boob
A boob job gone wrong where they sit so close together you don’t know where one ends and the other begins. Or one might have their well-endowed super soft jubblies jammed into an ill-fitting bandeau causing a singular mass of mammary.
Activewear bra’s often makes our boobalicious babes look uni-boob like!
2. The Dream Peaches
Naturally pert, full, not big but not too small, well-rounded lady lumps perched with pride upon the ribcage. The dream boobs that we all dream about… sigh…
3. Round Melons
Pert, very full, very round. A larger version of Peaches. The optimal breast type for motorboating. Giant milk monsters!
Kind of bulbous coming off the chest with an elongated areola. Resembling a lemon shape, these norks often point outwards.
5. Banana Boobs
Strap on your skis, this is one slippery dip! A long tubular boob with an upturned end makes the perfect platform to perform a Lincoln Loop 180.
6. Side Boob
A peek-a-boo of the exposed flesh at the side of the breast. Not a type of boob exactly – but a glimpse of the lady lumps from the side.
7. The Pointer Sisters
Unsure whether they are coming or going, these hooters are pointing off into different directions. After-market boobs often have this problem!
8. The consciously uncoupled
Falsies set so far apart you could park a freight train between them.
9. The Train Wreck
A boob job botched so badly you can’t not look. Should be on Botched.
10. The Bee Stings
Teeny tiny tata’s beneath an itty bitty nipple. Fried eggs.
11. The Pamela
Hard, round, shiny, semi-spherical stuck on silicone tits. Like two half-oranges.
12. The Glass Cutters
With nipples so sharp, they could cut bohemian crystal, one must be careful not to take out an eye.
13. The Footy Socks
Emaciated and long, these bad boys must be rolled up and repositioned from where they were once pert. These are often the remaining boob after a long stint of breastfeeding.
14. The Pit Pillows
These boobs reside in the armpit. They have to be wrestled out of there Croc Dundee style to be wrangled into a brassier.
Like a compass that points to true north, these often pendulous breasts are hardwired to be directed toward the ground, whether you’re on your side, the other side, up high, down low, too slow, they’ll just roll around the place trying to level with the horizon.
16. The Widow Makers
Boobs so large you could get lost in the cleavage. The only time you’ll ever be seen again is on the side of a Crime Stoppers milk carton captioned, ‘Have you seen this missing person?’
Gynecomastia is the enlargement of male breast tissue frequently caused by a hormonal imbalance often brought on by poor diet and excess alcohol consumption. Ditch the booze to lose the moobs!
More reading about Boobs:
- 9 Things Your Boobs Might Be Telling You About Your Health
- When Your Boobs Are Bigger Than Your Baby’s Head
- Science Proves That Wearing A Bra Is A Waste Of Time