Unpaid Emotional Labour Is The Biggest Ripoff Women Have Ever Faced

In the entire duration of our relationship, my partner has never sent a birthday card.

He’s never wrapped a Christmas present that he wasn’t delivering to me. He’s never made a phone call to a family member without a gentle reminder from yours truly. Basically, he’s never done anything to maintain his own familial relationships.

Why?

Well, that’s my job apparently.

Yep, as a woman, it’s my job to buy birthday cards for his family members, arrange posting and packaging for gifts, remind him of upcoming events, and basically make sure that his life is a magic carpet ride of zero social and emotional effort.

And I’m over it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My partner is an amazing guy. He loves me more than anything in the world, and he shows it all the time. He cooks for me, spoils me with attention, encourages me to follow my dreams, and gives me lots of freedom to do what I want to do in my life. But, there are some things that he just doesn’t do. Not because he can’t mind you, but because I just “do it better” than he does and he doesn’t see the point in exerting himself.

This includes any kind of cleaning beyond a five-second bench wipe-down or a dish rinse (which usually has to be done again anyway), any organisation of items in the house (especially when things won’t fit despite repeated door and drawer slamming), and any social arranging at all (even if it involves his own family or friends).

The other day, I had just about reached my limit. I work full-time, and my job is mentally exhausting as well as sometimes physically exhausted. I had just negotiated the useless bus system of my small town, in the rain, and arrived home soaking wet to find a note on the fridge that said: “Hey babe, can you pick up a card for my mum, it’s her birthday tomorrow. Also remind me to call her later.”

Um, no. No, no, no, no, no, no and no.

Let me tell you right now: I’m a modern woman, and not one to back down from a fight when my inner feminist has her rage stoked. So, when the man himself came home I decided it was time to set him straight.

I told him he needed to pull more weight with housework. He was agreeable on this, although he did try to play the “women are better than men at cleaning” on me, which I gently corrected him on. It’s not about gendered attention to detail. We work the same hours. I don’t care if I’m the genie of household chores, I will not be doing them alone. Then I tried to broach the other topic. The balance of emotional labour.

“What the hell is emotional labour?”

Well, I had to go online to find the definition that made the most sense. Basically, it’s time and energy that is spent on things that, although not considered by society to have real value, are essential towards functioning relationships and therefore society. Almost unequivocally, it’s a task placed on or taken up by women.

My definition got a stare of confusion, and a little bit of fear that generally overcomes my man when my vocal feminist comes out to play. To be honest I don’t blame the guy.

Emotional labour is something that I feel has become so intrinsically connected to society’s concept of being a woman that it’s hard to separate what I want to do from what I’m expected to do.

But there’s definitely something wrong with the idea that woman are expected to manage their partner’s social and emotional commitments, without so much as a wink of recognition.

I remember an instance where a friend complained about her sister-in-law who, when the family matriarch had lamented her son (the woman’s partner) didn’t call enough, had told her to dial the number for him and put it in his hand. These are grown men, not children, yet the statement was met with approval from other women. Of course you should do that, how else could he possibly remember?

As a woman in our society, there’s a lot of pressure on us to be the managers and organisers of our family units. Women are responsible for making arrangements, ensuring everything is in order, remembering birthdays, keeping in touch, being emotional support systems for family members on both sides, and generally holding things together. Men, on the other hand, are often just expected to show up, have a good time, and often receive the recognition for the work that is entirely done by women.

It might sound bitchy, it might even sound over the top, but it’s time to make a change. Emotional labour will likely never be paid labour, but it should certainly be recognised. Imagine how society would crumble if all the partners, mums and women in general just took a step back and let men handle it.

Surely, chaos would ensue.