The Bachelor Creamed Nina’s Jeans

Holy hazing ash cloud Bach Man! Stuck in Bali, I cried into my cocktail when I realised I’d miss Wood.

I wouldn’t be home in time and I couldn’t watch it on replay.

So what did I miss?

The girls had the power of the vote and elected wallflower Madeleine for a punt with Wood. Pissing down rain, Maddie was too concerned her ruined hair and potential panda eyes to notice Woody’s tight, wet pants that almost revealed whether or not he was circumcised.

Sneezy Parmigiana got it on with The Wood in a hot air balloon for the first kiss of the season.

Laura is still banging on about f#%&^g and anal glands. Dog with a bone. Let it go”¦

And, Heather evokes the power of the white rose, rocking up to the Bach Pad to check out the morning Wood. Suitably impressed, she whisks him off for a day full of heaving sweat, a skin tight spandex super hero photoshoot and jelly wrestling. Back at the Bach Pad, Heather cooks The Wood a steak dinner as he probes her friend zone. In retort Heather confesses underlying romantic feelings as Woody digs himself out of the friendzone and presents her with a rose. Crisis averted.

Lounging about the Ladies Lair, the gossip girls speculate. Emily tries to convince herself and everyone else that H-Bomb and Bach Man are too far down the rabbit hole of a friendzone that there is no going back.

Anal Glands and Madeleine depart the show.

Black leather jacket, collar popping, Fonzie wannabe Woody, greets Nina for their one on one date. She claims to have spent hours on her appearance only to have her efforts thwarted by the tre chic grey jumpsuit provided by the Sydney Harbour Bridge climb.

Perched atop the bridge is some random dude and Osher. His hair flaps in the breeze as Woody’s helmet remains unwaveringly stiff.
Nina just about creams her jeans when Osher invites her and Sam to break the Guinness World Record for the longest on screen TV kiss.

Woody’s hoping she brushed her teeth as they commence locking lips for the longest 4 minutes of my life. Cue plucky acoustic guitar background music and Osher’s incessant heckling.

Post kiss, they sit perched on the sofa. Woody has his chest on display with one too many shirt buttons undone as he presents Nina with a rose. No pash rash in sight!

Looking like the cat that got the cream, Nina struts into the Ladies Lair clutching the rose and barely able to contain herself. Spilling the beans in gushing detail, Heather is gropable.

Cut to the group date groupies bubble soccer match and Sandra is screaming again. Jacinda pretty much wants to pluck the eyeballs from her head.

Emily, Nina and Rachel play housewife back at the mansion and bake some cup cakes over idle chit chat. Emily pouts her poutiest pout that she’s not had contact with The Wood all week.

“What about me?” Yes, what about you Emily – broken record?

Back at the bitchin’ game of bubble soccer the winning green team is taken on a Mexican themed victory date. On another boat. Between Elbow, Bec and Jasmine there is a cascade of eye-rolls because Sandra is screeching. I don’t think she needs any margaritas as they play pinata.