The Bachelor Make Out Couch Madness

Mincing about the mansion, the ladies chat about being in the exclusive gang of the final five. It’s almost like The Baby-Sitter’s Club.

Osher swans in to the Ladies Lair and drops a bomb. A beach house bomb. All five of them will be whisked away for a romantic beach house getaway with The Bachelor. As romantic as a crotch full of syphilis anyway.

Nearing the home town visits all the girls have ants in their pants. Particularly Heather who apparently has no family to introduce The Wood to.

Torrential rain foils any plan for a sunny romance with The Bachelor and his harem during their beach house stay. Seizing the last opportunity for a grope before home visits, The Wood takes each of the girls on individual dates.

Hit And Giggle

The Bachelor and Lana hit the driving range. Lana, quite the seasoned pro, coaches The Wood into his shot. He swings with all the grace of a drunk giraffe with an inner ear infection.

‘I’m typically attracted to women much smarter than me.’ I have my hands on my face, Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone style right now as I resist the urge for the cheapest of shot

After their hit and giggle they head to the make out couch. The Bachelor asks Lana how she is still single and she replies with more incoherent babble than someone coming out of general anesthetic trying to hit on the nurse.

Lana confirms that coming into the show she had high expectations that have been met. Phew!

And how does she feel about Wood? Instant attraction and yes, she would want to date Wood.

On that earth shattering bombshell they put the make out couch to good use and make out.

Back at the beach house Lana explains to the girls that her feelings have developed quickly. Nina flares her nostrils and Sarah diffuses the situation by discussing how devastated you would be getting to the final two and not getting a rose. Not awkward at all.

Umbrella Ella Ella Eh Eh

Sneezy and Sam take a soggy walk in the rain. Taking a seat on another make out couch, they chat about her daughter in front of the open fire. Like any proud mum, Sneezy Parmigiana wastes no time in whipping out her brag book showing The Bachelor photos of her daughter Eve.

Food Fight

Heather and Sam head out for teppanyaki where the chef incessantly throws food at The Wood who in turn, just throws it at Heather. It adds to the Bag Lady Chic style she’s got going on.

She admits to shitting bricks about hometown visits because she doesn’t have that traditional family to interrogate the intentions of The Bachelor. What scene will the producers manufacture then?

Finally having made it to the make out couch, The Wood worries about their relationship. Is this a chink in the armour of H-Bomb and Bach Man’s unbreakable duo? Are they doomed forever in the dreaded friend zone?

Beach Babe Lair

Always asking the burning questions, Heather proposes to Lana, ‘Do you feel weird making out with a guy we’ve all made out with?’

Smooth Heather.

Trouser Snake Sam

Wearing trousers equally as tight, Sarah and Sam go directly to the make out couch.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect $200.

Chatting about meeting the parents and their feely feels, they waste no time and just start making out.

Wet Rod

The Bachelor takes Nina fishing to see if they can catch a break. In reference to hometown visits, Nina is most worried about her mum cutting her grass.

Hello Mrs Robinson.

Rained out, they head to the last of the make out couches. Unable to catch their lunch, Sam’s minion has organised some fish and chips. Worried, The Wood has never had a girlfriend quite as loud as Nina and she does her utmost to convince him otherwise. He seems unconvinced.

Spitting Chips

Suspenseful music plays us into the cocktail party. Nina is still bitching about the intruders making it very clear, that 2 original gangstas have been sent packing since Lana arrived.

The Wood leaves it to the ladies to initiate conversations.

Feeling like, totally, super confident, Heather doesn’t feel the need to monopolise The Bachelor’s time if the other girls feel they need it.

Nina, still bitching, would hate to see one of the original girls go at the expense of Lana.

So, of course, Lana snags Sam for the first chat.

The ladies eyes are opening up to the fact that there must be a significant connection between The Wood and Lana.

Shaking her head and spitting chips, Nina is less than impressed when Lana and Sam re-enter the room holding hands.

Snez snaps him up for a chat.

Sarah indecisively decides that she will actually maybe grab him for a chat before the rose ceremony.

Missing her chance, The Wood wanders off to fluff his tray of roses and think about which one of them he wants to break up with.

Inner Monologue

The girl’s voice overs play out like their inner monologue.

‘I hope he didn’t take that the wrong way?’

‘I hope I get a rose.’

‘I hope I don’t let go of that fart I’ve been holding for the last half hour.’

Lana confidently receives the first rose and Nina is fucking furious. Her nostrils are flared and her eyeballs are about to explode in her head.

Sneezy snavels the next rose.

Sarah sighs with relief at her receipt of a rose.

Heather nabs the last rose after consoling Nina with a quick pat on the back. There, there chump.

Osher enters to inform a dejected Nina of what she already knows, that she didn’t get a rose.

Like a broken record, she is still bitching about the intruders in the limo ride outta there.

Bring on home town awkwardness!