The Bachelor War In The Friend Zone

In a twinkling beach silhouette The Bachelor reflects upon his final four.  Shirtless, he trims back his three-day growth as he preens himself for the home visits.

Heather’s Hometown

Heather, up first is still shitting bricks with no family of family home to take The Bachelor to. Meeting Bach Man on a mountain, she takes him to a place where her and her late father would traditionally go for hot chocolate and scones.

They then go out to visit horse farmer, long time friend and father figure. In strydes Warrick, the personification of the aussie outback. This man pull no punches.

Watching The Wood squirm beneath Warrick’s solid and unwavering gaze is fucking glorious! With more pearls of wisdom than Ghandi, Warrick gleans, ‘A comfort zone is just a prison of our own making.’

OMG!

Inviting The Bachelor for a private chat, and to size up the contents of his scrotum, Warrick asks The Wood about all the other girls.

Without naming names The Wood describes his connection with each one of the four girls and Warrick knows exactly which one his Heather. Talking with Heather now, Warrick gets her take on The Bachelor Bubble. Departing with a final word of wisdom, he says, ‘Family doesn’t have to be blood.’

Holy shit sticks. This guy is so on point, can he run our country?

Lana’s Hometown

Lana’s home town visit kicks off with a spooky meeting in the foggy mountains of Berowra. Making their way to a boat, they put around and chat, and make out and then make out some more.

‘Sam is the kind of guy you marry.‘ Writing on the wall is it Lana?

Dutifully bring flowers and wine for the mama bear, it goes down a treat. Dragging The Wood into the dungeon, on a make out couch no less, Lana’s mum lays the smack down.

Putting her at ease, he agrees to work out their location issues.

Doing their cheesiest, ‘No you hang up,’ ‘No you hang up,’ Lana and The Wood say their goodbyes and have a cheeky pash on the porch.

Sarah’s Hometown

Sarah’s hometown takes place in Mornington, beginning with a picnic on the windy beach.

She opens up the most we’ve ever seen before and it’s an avalanche of babies, ambition, career and travel and the time sensitive order in which these things might happen.

Allaying her fears, The Wood agrees and squeezes her hand.

In the biggest family meet yet, they waste no time in seeing where The Wood stands; in the nicest way possible.

But, over dinner Sarah’s sister ruins the niceness and snipes, ‘So you’ve got some roses then?’

‘And that right there,’ pointing to her sister, ‘is gold.’

After a most civilised dinner, the pair have a porch front pash and bid their farewells.

Sneezy’s Hometown

In Perth, Sneezy Parmigiana overlooks the ocean as The Wood wanders up to her on the beach. Running through the itinerary she lets it slip that they’ll be going for a big fat european wedding.

Whoops!

Let’s start with dinner first shall we? Being locked in the Ladies Lair, Sneezy hasn’t seen her daughter Chicken Nugget for over 8 weeks.

The reunion was super cute as The Wood loitered off to the side. Putting The Bachelor on the spot, Chicken Nugget asked him a series of questions.

What do you like about my mum?

With probably the most insightful conclusion of the season, Nugget decides that while his answers were good, he could improve.

Speaker of truth!

A big European dinner is placed before The Wood as he is absolutely slaughtered by Sneezy’s brother.

Like a dog with a bone, wanting to make damn sure Sam got it, the brother lays it down thick that Bach Man would be going from single to father overnight should he take up a relationship with Sneezy and Nugget.

Sneezy’s sister can’t wrap her head around The Bachelor Bubble asking Parmigiana if she wonders where The Wood’s lips have been.

Rose Ritual

Shit gets real when there isn’t even a cocktail party back at the Ladies Lair.

Cutting directly to The Wood creepily fondling photos of the girls on an iPad.

Sneezy and Sarah snag the first two roses.

Lana taking the third joins her place among Woody’s top three babes leaving Heather friend zoned and utterly devastated.

Heather friend zoned herself to the point of relationship paralysis and paid the price.

Hugging it out with The Wood before she gets in the limo is salt in the friend zone wounds.

Chin up babe, you’ll do good. But for the love of god, please donate that bag lady beret.