9 Things Mums Talk About That Work Effectively As Contraception

1. You should definitely watch my birth video, it was such a magical experience.

No. Just no. I don’t really care how much of a magic experience your child’s birth was, I don’t need to see it. In fact, I’ve already seen the most traumatic birth video I need to see: my own. Yes on every birthday since I was seven my mum would roll out the vhs and the old tapes and sit down with me to watch the miracle of life. Now, years down the line, she can’t figure out why I’m not ready to scream and grunt out a 10-pounder of my own. Gee mum, I wonder.

In all seriousness, I really do love all my mummy friends, and I’m sure that when the time comes for my own attempt at procreation I too will become a smell focused, bodily fluid describing, poop wiper like everybody else.

But until then, freedom!