My Three Year Old Is Trying To Do Me In!

Noun: 3-year-old

Definition: Small person who honestly believes they rule the world and everyone else can get stuffed.

It’s All Coming Back To Me Now

Remember when I wrote “Rise Of The Threenager” and mostly everyone thought it was funny and true to life? Well it was both, funny (who doesn’t giggle at other people’s misfortunes with child-raising?) and true to life (we all have said misfortunes of child-raising) but what I realise now is, that at the time I had a five-year-old and a two-year-old. So I wrote from both memory and my dear friend’s hilarious account of her threenagers antics. Cracked me up as I wrote it and I distinctly remember having the thought ‘It wasn’t all that bad was it?’Ummmmm yes! Yes it was! And it’s happening again to me now! Like vaginal amnesia after giving birth and going back for another round, here it is again, the complete mental f*#kery that is raising a three year old.

Crazy In Love

I’m all about my kids and love exploring their personalities but I’m not sure how many more throw-down moments I can take! Seriously, in the last 18 hours alone we have had 3 major incidents. I call them incidents because regular tantrums don’t leave me traumatised the way these ‘incidents’ do.

And omg, the length and intensity of the ‘incidents’ I mean, what the actual f*@k? It’s the tiniest, most normal things setting him off too. For example, yesterday, all I needed was to give him a nappy and clothes change as he’d been squatting in the mud patch playing cars and wanted to go next door to Nan and Pop’s, seriously he was filthy, which of course was NOT on his agenda. The resulting hour-long stand-off was one of which only 3-year-olds have the mental and emotional stamina for”¦you know the sort”¦adamantly yelling/saying/screaming/shaking his head ‘no’ then saying he was going to walk over by himself, even though, in having that gawd awful nappy change he would get what he wanted? WHY? Why wouldn’t my gorgeous child want their bottom cleaned and a fresh nappy and clothes put on so that he could go for his daily venture next door to his beloved Grandies?

We were at that impass for what seemed for bloody ever. And yes, I did point out that if he could argue about not having his nappy changed that he is quite possibly old enough to wear some of those nice Paw Patrol or Blaze undies in his drawer (which only made things worse) and don’t even get me started on THAT incident.

When The War Is Over

Our stand-off didn’t end as peacefully as I would have hoped. This extended-breastfeeding-attachment-parenting-child-brain-science-loving-kindness-is-most-important-and-hugs-fix-everything mother was at her frigging limit. I cornered my opponent and held him in a reverse football hold while I yanked off muddy shorts and a shit-lined nappy and wiped until he was cleanish (I was mentally shattered remember) and left him to calm his farm. Two minutes later he’s happy as, in my arms cuddling and getting dressed ready to go next door for his visit. Like the last hour didn’t happen. What the f*#k?

That night in bed he was absolutely gorgeous, full of cuddles and kisses and nose rubs. My delicious, sweet boy had returned, was over it, completely fine and ready to move on with life.

I, however, may never be the same again.

Bad Moon On The Rise?

Is it the full moon? Maybe”¦this batshit crazy behaviour does seem to coincide with the all-night spotlight we’ve been exposed to recently (It’s especially noticeable when you live in an area that doesn’t have street lights) and as a modern-day-tree-hugging-hippie-type I probably should be more in tune with these things, but seriously it sneaks up on me every single time. But next time, when I’m up at 3 a.m folding clothes or making pancake batter because I can’t sleep due to luna cycles, I’ll remember  that even though we’re all affected a bit, my child is being a jerk because he is merely fulfilling the birthright of all three and a half year olds. And that it too shall pass. Until then my evening vodka, lime and soda will just have to be a bit bigger!

Please tell me your 3 year old is the same!