The Bachelorette Home Town Melt Down

Regurgitated scenes of The Bachelorette on the beach in ripped jeans play out as she is all walky walky thinky thinky.

My husband, The Huff, pleads, ‘F.F.S, they are not starting this shit all over again.’

No they are not.

I bribe The Huff with cups of tea and baked goods and force him to watch The Bachelorette with me. His commentary is amusing and much of it is not fit for print!

Home Town Visits

Michael

Michael AKA David Beckham, is first off the rank in Brisvegas. Ironically, they meet in a soccer field to prove he really is a soccer player. Sam runs up and mounts him, slapping a kiss on those hot sweet lips, she then proceeds to absolutely pummel him playing soccer. Maybe the socceroos should have recruited her instead?

After a chug around the river in a yacht, Michael takes The Bachelorette to visit his parents, who live across the street from him! Hold up, I think his dad is putting the moves on! He keeps talking way too much about her eyes and that was a very familiar hug my friends”¦

There aren’t any on the spot, hard hitting, intrusive questions for Sam so the evening is very civilised. David Beckham walks her out and has written a cute little note on his hand, ‘I ♡ Sam XOXO’. Luckily she loves some cheesey cheese and they say goodbye with a big movie scene pash.

Alex

Alex is up next and I’m still thrown off by his Lady Di head tilt. Channel ‘Tight Arse’ 10 aren’t going to fly the crew to Old Blighty to meet his ‘rents so they just go surfing on Avoca Beach.

The Bachelorette is pretty relaxed in the evening, sitting on the make out couch in a rented penthouse thinking this is a single date by default, not for very much longer. Alex springs on her that his sister Helen, has flown in from New Zealand and will be arriving imminently.

Sam is not happy Jan as Alex explains how wonderfully lovely his sister is. She is as lovely as The Ice Queen from Narnia. With a dismissive hand gesture and curled upper lip, Helen says something about not really watching TV.

“I apologise, I didn’t really watch any of it. It’s a bit of an alien concept for me, you know, for someone to go ahead and do something like this …”

Whatever question was disguised in that backhanded exchange, Sam nails the answer thawing out the frosty bitch.

Alex receives a peck on the cheek as The Bachelorette turns her heel and heads for home. #Laters

Richie

Over in sunny Perth, Sam catches up with Richie for a walk through a park. Is that it? He springs on her that she not only has to put up with intrusive questions from his mum and sister, but face judgment from all his mates in one sitting. WTF? No amount of ‘cool sticks,’ ‘cool bananas’ or any other tween catch phrases from the 90’s are going to make this ok Richie.

Holder own meeting everyone, Sam does good. Invited inside by Richie’s mum and sister to make a salad his mum asks if Sam is so close to her family that she couldn’t move to Perth. What I want to know is why the fuck can’t he move to wherever Sam is? Oh, that is revealed in the next sentence when his sister explains she just really needs to see him and talk to him at the drop of a hat. All. The. Time. #StageFiveClinger

Richie’s dickhead friends bombard Sam with intrusive questions that are actually NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS, even bringing up he-who-shall-not-be-named from last season.

A wee peck is all Richie gets as The Mistress departs.

Sasha

Meeting in a vineyard in Bowral, Sasha plays his cards right. Knowing Sam loves a wine, or five, he has the channel 10 minions set up a make out couch. Enlisting some creepy Tim Minchin wannabe, he arranges an original acoustic ditty to serenade Sam as they slow dance.

“In Sash’s arms I felt so safe and loved and exactly where I’m supposed to be.” Is that a wrap then?

Heading for dinner at his parents his mum puts the hard word on about grandkids and mentions grandkids twice because grandkids. And then Sasha’s dad also brings up he-who-shall-not-be-named from last season.

“I don’t want it to define me.” Boo ya!

Rose Ceremony

It’s pretty clear who the frontrunners are. Michael gets the first rose, Sasha gets the second and Richie, AKA Roger Ramjet, scrapes through by the skin of his chin. English Alex is deported and can probably thank his frosty sister for cock blocking him.

Spoiler Alert!!!

Word has it there is going to be an overseas trip for the finale next week, but shhhh, you didn’t hear it from me.