50+ Stories of Kids Saying the Darndest Things

21. Annoying toddler

My daughter was 4, My skin is tan and dark hair she’s white, blonde and clear eyes, she didn’t want to come home so she throws a huge tantrum, a couple asked what’s going on and she’s yelling, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, I DON’T WANT TO GO WITH YOU, they asked if I was her Mother and she screams Nooooo, police were called. Luckily we live in a small town, I also called my in-laws and they knew the policemen and everything was ok. I was so upset at the whole situation but it’s a good tale now. – Lollipopclouds

22. Manipulative Child

A friend of mine had a child with a gift for manipulation. She knew how to push all the buttons but the worst one was in the line at the grocery store she’d ask for candy and when her mom said no she’d say “ok just please don’t hit me mommy“. – epiphanette

23. I’m in charge!

My 5yo, repeating and then exploiting rules I create: “I’m in charge of my body! I can shake my penis at the train if I want!” – HillbillyThinkank

24. Like father, like daughter

We were driving home from my mother’s place (a long drive) and my wife and I were fighting about sin bad language in front of the kids. I was all, “they’re too young for it to matter. What are they going to do, give them detention at daycare?” and my wife was saying, “they hear everything and there’s no reason not to just watch it a little bit.” but I’ll be honest, it was heated and after a while the car grew deadly silent as neither of us had anything good to say anymore.

A beat passed in silence and then my daughter said, “Mommy? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

There was another moment of dead silent before I said, “Okay, you might have a point there.” – linuxphoney

25. First Word

One of my two-year-olds first words was shit. She even used it correctly. The first time I heard it, she was trying to put her shoe on while standing up. She lost her balance, fell down, threw her shoe and yelled “SHIT!”

I almost died laughing. – Colieoh

26. Two of my favorites:

My son asked my great-grandma how old she was (about 3 years ago, age 4). She said “I am 87 years old!” He gave her a big hug, then looked up at her and said “That is a good time to die.”

Another time when my child was ~4, our dog went through the humping stage. He was in the kitchen making a stuffed wolf his b***h, and my son was happily laughing at the “doggie dancing.” The laughter suddenly turned to shrieks and my son yelled “MOM! The dog is dying, his guts are falling out!!” Knowing what I was about to see, I followed him to the kitchen to see the dog fully… “out.” I explained that was just the dog’s penis, and was thinking of how to explain why it was doing that, when my son grabbed his own junk and yelled “I DON’T WANT MY PENIS TO FALL OUT!!!” I’m sorry to say I never did find a way to explain what was happening because I was too busy apologizing for laughing in his little face. – macaroniandmilk

27. The Predator

My husband had just gotten a fishing pole for Father’s Day and had recently caught and filleted his first fish. Our 4 year old saw it all.

The next day, we were in the laundry room of our building and we ran into our elderly neighbor. She asked my daughter how she was and got this response:

“My daddy is a predator!” – facedowntime

28. A New Disease

When my son was 3, my husband broke his knee on a ski trip. I used to joke that he had ‘knee-monia’ (instead of pneumonia). A few weeks later we were out having breakfast and a man with a prosthetic leg walks in…my son starts loudly asking what is wrong with his leg. Before I can explain, he proclaims ‘OHHHH, he has knee-monia’!

At age 4, we saw a man with an eye patch and he declared he was a pirate.

He is 5 now and I am waiting for the next public outburst.

The little one hasn’t started talking yet, but she growls. – Bo_peep

29. Oh No!

My 2 year old has a foam sword and her favorite things to do are go “Argh! I a pirate!” And she will stab you with the foam sword and say “gotcha!” But if you pretend you are dead after she gets you with the sword she will come up and cuddle on you and whisper “oh no! Oh no!” And she will start crying…funniest thing yet lol – yarnmommie1293

30. Mommy keeps a fun stick in her drawer

Not my kid but a friends kid. She was about 5 and in preschool. Kids are sitting with teacher and one of the kids in the class says ‘I have a penis’ and the teacher says ‘yes. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina’

Friend’s kid looks up and goes ‘my mummy has a penis’ Teacher ‘really?’ Kid ‘yeah she keeps it in a drawer beside her bed’

Teacher had to leave the room and my friend wanted to die at school pickup. – tollerdactyl

Next Page: Out of the mouth of babes comes some pretty crazy stuff…