The Bachelor Put A Ring On It

On the edge of my seat, I was shouting at the TV. Too many OMG’s and WTF’s to count.

Osher loiters in the garden of the Ladies Lair, cloaked in his marsala jacket.

He voices over a montage, it’s an avalanche of Bach, pash, montage, Bach, pash.

Running in the NSW countryside, his family have flown up to meet the last two ladies.

With Sneezy Parmigiana first on the chopping block, Bach Dad, says, ‘If you reckon you’re nervous, we are too,’ before he fumbles Sneezy’s name.

Hannah, The Bachelor’s sister, invites Sneezy for a private chat where she puts her on the spot, ‘Have you told him you love him?’

Bach Dad asks the prickly questions like, the big ‘L’ word, and the more ‘babies’ word.

Sneezy makes Bach Dad cry when she asks him about the late, Bach Mum.

Cry Me A River

‘Do I call him Mr Wood?’ Yes Lana, that is how you shall refer to Woody’s Wang. Oh you mean his dad? No, Andrew is fine.

‘Sam’s got another cracker.’ Bach Dad is suitably impressed with the ladies.

Hannah explains Lana is a little bubble of goodness. Aww!

‘Thoughts?’ Asks Sam of his family.

‘She’s the girl version of you!’ Chimes his sister Hannah.

Off on a private chat, Hannah and Lana discuss the feely feels. Hannah is moved to tears.

What is it with these bitches making The Bachelor’s family cry?

With the clock ticking and the episode flying by, the producers are desperately putting the queeze on the girls, MUST HAVE THE ‘L’ WORD!

Priming each situation, fluffing it as they go in the hope to extract that elusive ‘I love you.’

Argh! It’s nail biting!

Will she say it?

Will she look like a bit of a dick if she isn’t picked at the end?

The Naughty Notebook

Jetting off in a chopper donning matching bomber jackets, Lana and The Bachelor land beside a lake. Re-enacting The Notebook, they take a row and have some champagne. Chatting some more about their feely feels, Sam realises he’s got a long way to lean for an in boat kiss. He decides to row to shore for a lakeside pash.

A long one.

So long in fact that they had to cut it short and go to an ad break.

With a campfire in front of their make out couch they compare marshmallow roasting techniques.

Thinking they would never sit down, the manufactured romantic situation teases out an, ‘I can see a bright loving future for us.’ Is it close enough Lana?

Dodging The ‘L’ Word

With his peado driving gloves on, he meets Sneezy in a vintage car where they zip around the countryside. Arriving at a secluded lagoon, a minion has set up a private picnic by the water’s edge.

‘I love they way I feel when I’m with you,’ Sneezy purrs. Nearly there.

Heading to a barn that looks like it fell straight out of Pinterest, they cosy up on the make out couch. MADE. FROM. HAY.

I can’t even handle it!

Chatting about the realities of parenthood, Sneezy admits, ‘It would be hard with me.’

Shit. She knows she’s out.

Their chat takes a turn to D&M.

‘I just want you to know that I’ve fallen in love with you.’

Gasp! She said it!

‘It is such a beautiful thing to hear you say.’

WTF WOOD?!

Dead giveaway.

Put A Ring On It

He mulls over his decision, shirtless, while grooming his three day growth, deciding that he’s going to be true to his heart, right to the very end.

Greeting Osher by the candle lit, rose petal littered pool, I wonder if the minion who has to set up all these dates got sick of lighting candles and plucking rose petals? After this series I’m pretty sure the minion’s idea of romance is Domino’s delivery and a pinot from Aldi.

Osher helps Lana from her Nissan. Strolling down the garden path, she meets The Bachelor posed by the pool.

‘It feels like you’re the perfect girl, but not the perfect girl for me.’

Oh. My. Gob.

I’m WTF’ing everywhere!

Sneezy greets Sam nervously walking over the tear stained rose petals.

‘I’ve fallen madly in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

‘I want to spoil you and I want to look after you and Nugget forever.’

Slipping a two tone band on Sneezy’s ring finger, they pash through the credits. The End. 

I’m still in shock.