My Mother always said ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’.
But life isn’t as black and white as that. People cheat because they are lonely, scared, because they are angry at their partner or they meet someone they think is better.
I always find the reasons people cheat on their partner so interesting – so here are people who shared the real reason they chose to cheat and reasons why they were cheated on..
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“We Were in Mutually Shitty Relationships”
My relationship had been going down the shitter for some time. We were both depressed and were just feeding off each other. He showed his depression with anger, sadness, and frustration. I showed mine with being ice cold and withdrawing. I had become numb to everything. One night I go to a party. I was high and drunk. Fucked out of my head. I met a guy there (come to find out he was married). He expressed interest in me. We had sex.
I was not even attracted to him because who he was was pretty irrelevant. It was about being in a mutually shitty relationship, me being in a really shitty, low place in my life, and making a dumbass decision that still makes me want to throw up to this day.
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“I let my passions rule me…”
I never did anything physical while in the relationship but my coworker was hilarious. We vibed immediately and I started to look forward to seeing him every day. I told my boyfriend I had a crush, and that I would stop talking to this coworker cause I cared about my boyfriend too much. But i was weak and only stayed away from him for about a week. Our text messages got more and more flirty and eventually led to sexting. My relationship imploded shortly after. I slept with the coworker not long after the end of the relationship and realized it was so not worth it. He sucked in bed, was poorly endowed and ended up being a douche who got bored with me after he slept with me. Which i totally deserved. Karma is a bitch. Why did I do it? I let my passions rule me, and I felt trapped.
“I was drunk…”
My girlfriend was out of town and I went out for drinks with some friends and then a few of us headed back to my place to hang out. Everyone left except for a girl I was pretty good friends with, we kept drinking and talking about nonsense until we went to bed.
We slept in the same bed, which is not unusual for me to sleep in the same bed with platonic friends, and one thing led to another and we were having pretty intense sex. During the act, we made eye contact on both had a “what the fuck is happening” moment and stopped.
We both scrambled to get dressed, she panicked, I panicked, she called an uber and left. Have not seen or spoken to her since.
Lost a good friend and a ten-year relationship over a drunken mistake.
0/10 would not do again
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“I Ran Away to my Mum’s House”
My ex-husband severely abused me for 8 years. I went back home to visit my Mum and what was supposed to be a two weeks trip lasted 90 days. I meet someone back home and had an affair. I came back home and confessed.
He went crazy and threatened me, my parents and my family. The night he picked me up from the airport I waited until he fell asleep, called the cops and they directed me to a DV shelter. I never saw him again.
“He was a Narcissistic Self-Entitled Arsehole”
“My (now ex) husband was a narcissistic, self-entitled asshole with no ambition. He ignored me to play video games all day, but then he would get offended if I wanted to go out. Of course, he was always welcome anywhere I went, but he always chose not to go anywhere, then he would whine about it. He became incredibly jealous when I started making more money than him, for the same job (a commission based type of thing.. people liked me more because I was friendly). I ended up meeting my current s/o at that job..
We were friends for quite a while before things escalated. I felt guilty at first, but obviously not guilty enough to stop. That was over 3 years ago now and my s/o and I are still together. As for the “cheating up/down” thing, I’m not quite sure. My ex-husband was very handsome (but since our divorce he’s let himself go and he looks nasty). My s/o is handsome as well but in a different way. Kinda like comparing Justin Timberlake to George Clooney? That’s a horrible comparison, but they’re both attractive in different ways.”
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“The Ship had already sunk….”
She didn’t feel the same way that I did for her. I loved her and it wasn’t mutual. After a year and a half of trying to figure it out, I was at a party and this girl and I was super f*cked up. She started talking about how she didn’t feel wanted and so did I, blah blah blah. Kissed and rubbed uglies. Stopped before anything REALLY began, told her about it when I got back. I’m a very honest person. She didn’t seem phased at all was the thing, and after a few more months I realized that this ship already sank a while ago and I broke up with her. She got a new boyfriend within a few weeks. I don’t trust as easily anymore.
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“An Ego Stroke”
“Because at the time I placed more value in getting my ego stroked by the attention of other women than I placed in appreciating the one who already loved me. I lied so she wouldn’t leave and I wouldn’t have to admit that there was no way to justify what I was doing. Ultimately, it boils down to me being selfish and inconsiderate in the worst ways.”
“It was one-sided”
It was a one-sided relationship with mine. She was a dead weight and it took a toll on my energy because I’d always have to carry our conversations and organise dates by myself. Literally, imagine carrying a body pillow wherever you go. I then started to ignore her through phone and social media. I then went out with a group of friends and hit it off with another girl and it reminded me what it was like having a life.
“I was Scared of Commitment”
“I was scared of commitment, he wanted us to be ”Exclusive” and I wasn’t ready soo I got super drunk and yeah slept with another guy and told him the next day.”
“I Didn’t Want to Be Alone”
I hated her. I hated her with every ounce of my being and was only with her so I wouldn’t be alone. Then I found someone that seemed to actually care about me.
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“I Used Cheating to Break Up With My Current Partner”
“I used to have a bad habit of letting relationships drag on far past their emotional end. I would fall out of love with these men, but I didn’t realize it until I had fallen for someone else, and by that time I was contemptuous and disillusioned enough with the relationship that I didn’t really care how it made the guy I was dating feel.
I would end up kissing the new guy, and breaking up with the old guy immediately after. Essentially the cheating served as the catalyst for ending a relationship. I finally recognized this habit, and now I pay more attention to how I feel in a relationship and break it off once it’s clearly over instead of hanging on out of routine and comfort.”
“I Stayed Because He Threatened to Commit Suicide”
I had a crazy boyfriend who attempted to control me from afar. If he didn’t know what I was doing or where I was 24/7, he would spam call me and “like” comments/photos/etc on facebook and message my friends. In addition, he was a loser who lived at home with his mom with no job, while I was working and going to school. I always had to drive to him (an hour + drive) because he had no money and no car. I broke up with him several times, only to get suckered back in because he would threaten to kill himself.
Basically, his controlling, psycho-mind game attitude drove me to cheat on him. I have nightmares about him still.
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“Things Got Too Serious, Too Soon”
“I was afraid. There was serious talk of him, my now ex, taking up a new job and moving to NYC. He wanted me to come with him. This meant I left my comfy and awesome job in a smallish town, to the unknown in a very large busy city. I was only 20 at the time.
For the two weeks he spent in NYC scoping out the place and working in his potential new position I cheated. I really can’t come up with a better reason other than fear. There was no emotional attatchment to the guy I saw. It was just sex.
When my ex returned I told him what happened and explained how I felt. He was pissed of course, but we worked through it and he didn’t take the job in NYC.
I’ve stopped dealing with fear in such a poor manner now.”
“He was An Alcoholic Nigel No Friends”
We were fighting constantly, he was an alcoholic with no friends, no drive, nothing. He rode the train home every weekend to go drinking with his high school friends and would go on to complain he didn’t have money, friends, or time to do his work. (All pretty easily fixable if he just didn’t go home every weekend) We had been friends for years before that so of course, we would be a great couple.
Well, I remember someone who I was close to visited me, and we were both absolutely smashed. We went back to my room and he slept on the floor. In the middle of the night he climbed into my bed because we were cold (had no sleeping bag). I was in that half awake/not knowing what was going on stage, so I didn’t protest. He then got handsy and kissed me. Like I said, I was aware of what was happening. But it didn’t feel real. I sort of went along with it for a while, then I “woke up” realized what was happening. Stopped and said “I’m done” and immediately disengaged him. I was so torn up about it I felt sick for days and eventually told my bf. He revealed that he had cheated on me during his numerous clubbing ventures but didn’t want to tell me cause it would cause a fight. He also demanded I completely cut ties with the guy I had cheated with. Which I refused on principle. He broke up with me.
I didn’t really cheat up, the dude I did it with was in a sorry state at the time. My ex then picked up a new gf immediately after moaning about how “he wasn’t sure if he could trust again” and didn’t want to do long distance again (his gf now is long distance) for a couple of weeks, dropped out of college completely, and now lives at home drinking with the same high school buddies in a podunk town. This was a couple of years ago.
And before everyone freaks out about the assault-y-ness of the incident, me and that friend have talked it out and we’re ok now, and I don’t regret saying I would continue to be his friend.
“I Was Too Young to Commit”
“I cheated on my ex because I was in a very serious relationship way too young and did not know. For me personally, I needed to go out and explore myself sexually and even in different relationship dynamics. I couldn’t find this in my partner and took the easy way out. I was unprepared to end that relationship because of how close he was to my family and vice versa. It was a confusing time in my adult life as he was my best friend and we had no real issues. I was just not romantically in love with him. He was also emotionally immature and could not rationalize and accept that I was no longer in love with him. He said it was a phase and we continued on in our relationship. Our lives outside the relationship were changing drastically.
Graduating from college, finding a career path, meeting important and power people, being influenced and motivated by those said people etc., etc., Our life goals were suddenly evidently different. He wanted to settle down, buy a home, get married, travel and have a couple kids. I wanted to explore my career without distractions, possible find a different career altogether and travel for the rest of my life and never have children and possibly not even owning a home. The things that were important to him were not to me and vice versa. Again, I wasn’t equipped with the right adult emotional tools to deal with such decisions as I was in a somewhat still “juvenile” relationship – almost like remnants of irresponsible college relationships with no real path.
ANYWAY, after all said and done…it’s been over 5 years since that relationship ended. He was extremely hurt but forgave me after 2 years. We are very good friends now. I said in the other thread (about male intentions) he is basically my only guy friend who actually wanted happiness for me.”
“I Was Too Scared to Dump Him”
“When I was young and very foolish I didn’t have the guts to stick to my guns and end things with a guy. He had legitimate mental problems when I tried to end things he ended up on a suicide watch so I didn’t follow through with it. I spent that summer abroad and met someone else, I made a choice and did not end things remotely, I faced him and the consequences of my choices when I got home. I don’t know whether it was a change in his meds or just giving him a reason to be angry but he took it better than when I first tried to end it.
I regret that I didn’t end things when I first wanted to, but I can’t wholly regret the situation because it had a huge impact on how I approached relationships that really made me a better partner.
Although my case was a bit extreme, it isn’t entirely different from what I’ve seen from other acquaintances. We grow up with this idea that you break up with someone because they did something wrong if they haven’t done anything wrong or they are difficult to talk to, have extreme reactions or are controlling, then breaking up with them becomes a monstrous task that some people can’t face. Cheating is just avoiding the issue, I think some people don’t even feel the wrong of it because they already consider the relationship over even though they haven’t communicated that.
To your other question, I think people don’t cheat up or down, they cheat out for something they want in the moment. Cheating isn’t a rational act, so you can’t expect logic.
Not scientific and this is hardly the case for everyone, just my experience and observations.”
“I Gave Into Temptation”
“Because some times you want to give in to temptation without losing the steady loving relationship at home. Maybe you go to a party and have amazing chemistry with someone. You might want to have fun and give in to carnal desires, then the next morning, go home to your partner and continue your regular life as is.
It comes down to selfishness.
It takes will power, discipline, and integrity to keep yourself away from these temptations, to refuse to succumb to these urges.
Some people just don’t have the spine.”
“I Had Low Self Esteem”
“Due to low self esteem, I thrived off attention, so rather than saying “no thank you, I have a girlfriend”, I’d let things continue. But at the same time, I also craved stability, so never wanted to break things off with said girlfriend. There’s nothing I regret more than hurting my ex like I did and karma finally caught up with me a few years later when I was cheated on by a different girlfriend, repeatedly.
I didn’t end that relationship after I found out about her cheating the first time, as I felt I deserved it from my past shittiness. I vowed never to cheat again, especially after feeling the pain myself.”
If you have ‘Done the Dirty’ – what was your reasoning behind it?