Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace…
I’ve Never Been to a Wedding Where Someone Has ‘Objected’… But I Wish I Had!
Sit The Fuck Down Bobby
“I was at a wedding when the “funny guy” (we’ll call him Bobby) in the groom’s friend group decided to stand up when the question about objecting came up.
Before he could get a word out, another friend of the groom yelled out and said, “Sit the fuck down Bobby, you ain’t got nothing to say!” Everyone laughed because we didn’t really know how to react and Bobby sat down without a single word. He basically made a fool of himself in front of 75 people and made the rest of the ceremony really awkward.”
My favorite was a wedding I went to for a friend where when they asked this question the father of the bride unloaded a fart that echoed off the church bench so loud that everyone stopped and just looked at him.
The bride started laughing so hard that her face turned bright red and she had to sit down. 10 minutes of her laughing so hard she didnt make a sound while the rest of the church laughed. Finally the dad stands up and says “Look I had a bagel this morning, it didn’t sit well”. The mother of the bride hit him but laughed and everyone laughed again. Was probably the best wedding I have ever seen.
He Couldn’t Hold it In Anymore
“Last wedding I went to was for a cousin. So it gets to the point of raising an objection and someone on our side of the guest seats stands up and begins screaming that he loves the bride and she should never have gotten with my cousin.
Apparently, one of his friends had a thing for her and couldn’t hold it in anymore.
Yeah, he got escorted out by family right quick like. They divorced a few months later when it came out she’d been cheating on my cousin with that guy for a few months before the wedding.”
The Goat Knew
“I went to a wedding a few years back set on a beautiful barn where many wedding have been held before. When the question was asked “..does anyone object?” this goat off in the distance let out this loud bleat sound that they make, and everyone laughed it off.
They got divorced 2 years later. Goat knew what was up.”
Who The Fuck Is That? Aaron?
“Not me but I was performing the ceremony. I ask the question as a part of the liturgy, and a guy gets up after the question and says, “Yeah, I object. That’s my wife.”
Bride’s mother is the only one to speak, and she says, “Who the fuck is that? AARON?!”
Sensing that something was amiss, I say, very calmly, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats while we conclude this.” I pull the guy aside, and he claims that they got married at 18, she abandoned him and they never divorced. He had been trying to get a hold of her, and he actually told her that if she didn’t at least get a legal divorce, he would show up at her wedding. She had just ignored it like it would just go away, never returned a call – basically just walked out at age 19, never returned. (Bride was near 30.)
So I ask the bride to step aside, with her parents. They say, “You never divorced him?” I’m in panic mode as I don’t know what to do. If she was still married, I couldn’t marry them. The groom comes over, ready to fight – me, the husband, anybody.
Complete disaster. Wedding was cancelled. They married a year later after the divorce went through, in a small private ceremony. And here’s the kicker: 2 years later she just walked out on him.”
The Hole Audience is Stunned
“Back in the late nineties I was invited to the wedding of a guy I was in the army with. He married his girlfriend from Uni in his southern (italian speaking) swiss Hometown-Church, all very traditional.
During the ceremony a girl crashes thru the door, obviously drunk as hell, and starts cursing in Italian that the bride can not get married in white in a church as she is not a virgin, sucked a thousand dicks and is not “pure”. The hole audience is stunned and waits for the reaction of the couple or someone in general. Suddenly the grooms mother stands up and screams at her in thr most vicious voice I ever heard “Manuela, shut the fuck up, everyone knows you take it up the ass!”.
I’ve been told that the girl was the groom’s highschool girlfriend but he left her as she wanted to wait till marriage… “
He Was Baked
“So I’m attending this ultra chill beach wedding in small town Canada, I don’t know most anyone because it was my ex-step-aunts, so my brother’s family I never see . It was fun anyways, the bride flew in on a seaplane and all the chairs were set up on the sand.
Anyways, the groom is from Trinidad and Tobago, so all his relatives traveled a long ass way and had cool accents, there was a party before; we were all a little bit tipsy.
So as the ceremony progresses, everyone is watching, gettin’ teary and shit from the vows. Then the line comes ‘….any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now.’
Nobody expected this; The father of the groom gets up, flailing, and a collective gasp followed by silence overtakes this tiny venue. We’re all waiting with baited breath but, he’s just standing there with glassy eyes. Turns out he was baked as fuck; this 70+ man in a suit and dreads laughs and says ‘No, I kid, I kid’ and the whole spirit of the audience cheers up as he sits back down.
Rest of the reception, people are going up to him saying ‘good one’ or scolding him. Damn good night. Best wedding I’ve been to.”
I Don’t Want to Give Away Uncle Bill
“Apparently both me and my sister protested my uncle getting remarried. We were both very young. Think toddlers teetering down the isle as flower girls that look like they are gonna biff it at any moment. We both got the same message while the priest was talking about them “giving”. We both thought uncle was being given away like a present and that we would never see him again, so we both started bawling. Words were still not a thing for me, but my sister managed to articulate something along the lines of “No, I don’t want to give away Uncle Bill. He didn’t do anything bad.”
Thankfully my uncle and new auntie were very understanding and found the whole thing adorable.
They are still married, 25 years later.”
The Groom Objected
The groom tried to object. He had gotten the bride pregnant after a one-night stand, and the parents had forced a marriage. Even as a kid I could tell that they were clearly disgusted of each other (i.e. they couldn’t even kiss during the glass clinking). The bride dragged her feet quite literally across the aisle and when the pastor asked if anyone objected the groom began to nervously whisper to him, shaking his head and gesturing towards the bride.
Both sets of parents got up and in loud whispers convinced him to go through with it. After a long, painfully awkward pause the ceremony continued. I have been to a lot of weddings and seen a lot of drama but this one has been one of the worst.
You’ve Ruined My Life, Amy!
I was at a friend’s sister’s wedding; it was a really traditional Christian ceremony in a big church. When the minister asked if anyone objected, some guy stood up and screamed something along the lines of ‘You’ve ruined my life Amy. My heart will never mend, and on your honeymoon I hope you think about the sentence of solitude your actions have put on my life.’ Then the guy stormed out, but here’s the thing: no one knew who he was.
My friend’s sister is called Harriet.
Don’t Make Me Cut You!
“My husband and I got married in a public park, near a bay that we grew up fishing in.
Mid-ceremony, a little fishing boat motors on by, with two guys in it. The are probably about 80 yards away, holding beers. One says “Look, it’s a wedding.” About a minute later, the other yells, “SHE DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU!” My mother-in-law yelled back, “DON’T MAKE ME CUT YOU AT MY SON’S WEDDING.”
Forever immortalized in my wedding video. That’s what I get for having a wedding in a public area.”
It’s Not An Objection…
I was about ten years old and went to a wedding with my parents. The wedding was for the daughter of one of my mom’s high school friends.
We got there early and Mom was talking to her friend who was continually reminding her husband to be nice. The husband was cop and the man marrying his daughter was a petty criminal. He was not happy and kept making comments about “the crook.” Even this many years later, I remember him sitting quietly and then he’d just burst out complaining about that “son of a bitch crooked bastard” whenever any of the ladies would mention him.
We get to the forest preserve where the wedding is being held (according to cop-dad, because the cheap crooked bastard didn’t make enough money stealing shit to afford anything better). Apparently, the mother offered to help pay, but the bride didn’t want anything from them because she didn’t want more tension between the groom and dad.
Anyway, some hippie minister goes through his thing and asks for objections. Cop dad stands up and you can hear gasps. His wife grabs his arm and is reaching to cover his mouth. She’s shouting, “SIT DOWN! DON’T DO THIS!” He shrugs her off and yells, “IT’S NOT AN OBJECTION!” Everyone quiets down. The bride looks somewhat hopeful. Cop-dad says, “Look, it’s not really an objection… I just want to say one thing… He’s an asshole and you’re making a huge mistake! Go ahead… I’m done.”
There were laughs, gasps, and every other kind of reaction you can imagine. Bride didn’t cry, but looked like she was ready to kill her father and burst into tears. Groom just grinned (I’ll never forget that smug look on his face – I’m amazed cop-dad didn’t attack him right then and there because I probably would have). After a minute or so, the hippie minister continued. Reception was BBQ and a keg. Everyone left within an hour or two.
I remember hearing that the groom was arrested on their honeymoon for starting a fight with someone. About six months later, he and a friends of his were arrested for kidnapping some woman, robbing her, and leaving her tied up in some forest preserve. While he was in jail for the next several years, the wife divorced him. She’s now married to an athletics director at some university. Cop-dad approves of this one.
“When my neighbours got married, they had a semi- pirate themed wedding on a tall ship anchored in the harbour. They had met in fencing class and are also some of the most eccentric people I’ve ever met. When the officiant asked the question, one of their fencing buddies stood up and yelled that the bride deserved better, and the groom was nothing but a swashbuckling good-for-nothing. So the groom challenged him to a duel, they fenced their way up the aisle and the groom threw him over the edge of the boat.
They’ve been just as entertaining to live next door to ever since.”
Take the Money and Run Boy!
“My best friend, the morning before his wedding, his crazy uncle(you know, that one black sheep uncle that everybody seems to have), shows up at his door. “You don’t have to do this. We’re 2 hours drive from Mexico, here’s the keys to my car, the tank is full, and here’s 10 grand in cash.” My buddy laughs and closes the door on him.
Later, during this very fancy, very prim and proper Catholic wedding, it comes to the ‘anybody here’ part. Immediately that uncle stands up in the pew, in the back, starts rattling his car keys as loud as he can, and yells “TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, BOY!”
Thank You All For Coming, Except for You!
Dad: ‘Anyone who knows a reason why these two should not be married should speak now or forever hold their peace’
Bride: ‘Yeah I do. He was in bed with my bridesmaid last night’ slaps groom, walks back down aisle
Dad:’……well I think obviously we can’t continue. Thank you all for coming’
I went to a friend’s wedding and during the reception his mother (who is an abusive alcoholic) got up to do an impromptu speech. She said “I can’t believe my son is marrying that horrible cunt. She’s going to ruin his life.”. The groom ripped the microphone out of her hand then yelled at her to fuck off and leave. This was 7 years ago and the couple are still married. For the record the bride is not a horrible cunt. Edit: Or any kind of cunt for that matter, she’s actually lovely.
Wanda, You So Stupid
I was about 17 at my Uncle Calvin’s wedding. When the pastor said does anyone have any reason why these two should not be wed a rather large unattractive woman stood up and said, “WANDA YOU SO STUPID, YOU KNOW I WAS WITH CALVIN LAST NIGHT!”. Then she left while everyone is picking up their jaws from the ground. The pastor tried to brush it off as nonsense and continue but my brother and i were about to explode from holding in our laughs. I heard a squeak from him and I lost it. Full on hard laughter until my dad looked at us down the aisle with the death stare. Most awkward situation i’ve ever been in.
The Bride’s Ex Crashed the Wedding
A friend of mine married a circus performer in New Orleans. It was a fairly large and interesting wedding with lots of really crazy people. Somehow one of the bride’s ex-boyfriends crashed the ceremony.
During that fateful moment the officiate asks “Does anyone object to this union?”.
The ex, very drunk at this point, fires a wobbly hand into the air, screams “yes! Me!” and starts shuffling towards the stage.
Without skipping a beat, the groom takes 2 steps forward and punches the interloper in the mouth, knocking him out.
They resume the ceremony after raucous applause and laughter.